The Trials of Remus Lupin
by MarieClaire88
Summary: I've always loved Lupin and the Marauders, so I wanted to write a story about them. I want to begin with Lupin's acceptance to Hogwarts. Why does a reluctant Lupin agree to leave home? What was Dumbledore thinking in letting him come to the school? Why is the aloof Black boy in Gryffindor? What will happen when the marauders find out what Lupin is?
1. Chapter 1

Shaking, eleven year old Remus looked up at the early morning sky. The sky was beautiful, with hues of soft yellow, pink and orange. But Remus did not take in the beauty. Instead, he rolled on to his side, wincing and moaning with pain. He looked down at his side, which was adorned with ugly red gashes he didn't remember getting. He sighed again, and let his head drop, resting his angry, stinging cheek against the cool ground. He noticed, with a jolt, that he was neither tied up nor petrified. His small heart raced furiously, and he checked the tips of his fingernails for blood, or any other signs that he had hurt anyone. To his utmost horror, his nails were stained crimson, with still-wet blood. He couldn't tell if the blood was from a human or an animal, but was inclined to believe the worst.

Remus cursed his father, not sure weather to scream or cry. His father had promised to tie him up this time. He had looked Remus in the eye and sworn he would do so. But his father was too soft and loved Remus too much, yet not enough to do the right thing. Remus hugged himself, curling up into a ball, hoping that if he willed it hard enough this would all be a horrible dream. But it wasn't. After staying completely canonic for well over five minutes, the blood was still on his nails, and he was still alone in the middle of the forest.

Remus had no idea what to do. His family lived in a remote area of London, and the only people he could have possibly hurt was them. Usually after his transformations, they were there when he woke up. But today he was alone in the forest, the only noise he could hear being the eerie call of a lone bird and his own heartbeat. Remus ran his hand through his shaggy hair, a nervous habit. The ends of his hair were stuck together, covered in sticky, cold blood. Remus's stomach lurched, and he heaved violently, but did not throw up. He lay down, weak, scared and alone.

Remus heard twigs crackling behind him, but could not muster up the strength to see what it was.

"Remus." Said the person behind him. That sole word was spoken with so much emotion, four long years of bottled up feelings flooding through. Pain, sorrow, love, resentment, guilt and disgust all packed into those two syllables. Remus's mother Hope knelt down beside Remus, but did not touch him. "Mum!" Yelled Remus, his voice shaking, "I'm so glad you're alive, I was so worried." Remus threw his arms around Hope, but quickly recoiled when she flinched away from his touch. This was the first time Hope had expressed fear of him. For him, maybe, but never of him. It was clear to Remus now that he had said the wrong thing. No boy should ever have to tell his mother he was glad he hadn't killed her, and no mother should ever have to hear the above. Remus would have been just as disgusted by the the sight of the thin boy covered in blood if he was looking at himself from a bird's eye view.

Remus's parents had always been kind to him. That taken care of him, fed him and loved him despite the fact that he was a werewolf. But at the same time they hated him. They hated the monster he became every full moon. They hated the scars that adorned his body, and they hated that they had allowed all that to happen to him. Because every parent sees it as their job to protect their child, and there was no way they could look at Remus without noticing they had failed their job as parents. Originally, Hope and Lyall had been able to separate Remus from the wolf he became during the full moon, but that was getting harder and harder. They could no longer look at their young boy without seeing a killer. They had never said anything to Remus, never expressed their feelings, but Remus could see it in their eyes, and he hated it. He hated it that his parents were hurting, and he hated it that they were feeling the same things as him.

So Remus looked at his mother, who was scared of him, but trying not to show it, and realized that he could never be close to her again. He would only end up hurting her. He moved away from her, standing up painfully and limping towards his house, leaving her behind, gaping. "Wait, Remus!" She called after him, somehow knowing she had hurt him. "Are you okay?" She demanded. Remus was far from okay, but there was nothing magic could do for his cursed wounds. So Remus just nodded, not meeting her eyes,


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Despite what I want to believe, I don't own the amazing world of Harry Potter**

"Your father and I have exciting news." exclaimed Hope, though she sounded far from excited. He voice was tight and nervous. Remus nodded, signaling that she should proceed with her news. "We got a letter this morning. That's why we weren't there when you woke up." Hope paused before saying "woke up," not wanting to use words like changed or transformed.

Now Remus was interested. "A letter? From whom?" he asked quietly.

"From Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts. He wants to with meet with us later today." Hope showed distaste when she said "today." Clearly she did not view it as good manners for Dumbledore to invite himself over, giving only a few hours advance.

"What does Dumbledore want?" said Remus bitterly. "He knows perfectly well I can't go to Hogwarts. I'm a monster, remember." He laughed sardonically at the end of his sentence, his laugh breaking through the early-morning quiet.

Hope made no efforts to tell Remus otherwise, though she winced when he said 'monster.' "I honestly don't know Remus…. I honestly don't know. Either way, make yourself look presentable. You don't want to look like a savage."

"But I am." said Remus simply.

"You are what?"

"A savage. I'm a savage."

Hope's eyes welled with tears, and she ran inside. Remus was left standing outside his house feeling absolutely terrible. His mother had sacrificed so much for him and here he was hurting her. He was right. He really was a monster.

Remus showered, the burning water not enough to remove the sight of blood (thankfully animal) from his mind. He got dressed and combed his thin hair, feeling nothing. He was empty; void of all emotion. He needed to stay calm and collected for his meeting with Dumbledore. Dumbledore would not let him into Hogwarts regardless or how he behaved, but if he was especially terrible, Dumbledore had enough influence to make his life miserable. More importantly, Dumbledore could make his parents' lives miserable, especially Remus's father who worked at the ministry. Remus could not afford to wreck his parents' lives further. Remus put on his dress robes, blue velvet and began to walk downstairs.

Halfway down the stairs, Remus paused. He could hear his parents low voices and he stopped walking to hear what they were saying.

Remus's father was crying, which scared Remus to no end. Lyall Lupin never cried. "I can't even look at him." He was sobbing. Full out sobbing. "I can't bear what I did to him. I hate seeing Him in my son. I hate how miserable Remus is. I hate how Remus will never have a future, never go to school, never have a job, never be self reliant." Lyall listed all the things Remus would never have, his voice breaking and shaking.

Remus was appalled. He had counted on his father to be the calm and reasonable one. Not this sobbing, helpless man. Remus needed one calm person in his life. Lyall had always been afraid to hurt Remus physically or mentally, so maybe this calmness, the calmness that had been with him his whole life, had just been a front. A fist in Remus's stomach squeezed and the blood drained from Remus's face.

Remus had already known that he would never have the things his father had listed. He had known them for a long time. But he had never heard anyone else say them. Hearing those words seemed to give a new truth to the facts. Remus's face crumpled, and a tear slid down his scarred face. Remus took a shaking breath and tried to collect himself. He had to remember to hide his emotions. He had to be on his best behavior for Dumbledore. He stared at the peeling wall at the bottom of the stairs, trying to empty his mind. It proved to be an impossible task.

Thoughts rushed through Remus's head faster and faster. Some of them were deep. About Remus's parents, his life, his future. How would he learn about magic? No school would take him, and the Ministry would never give his parents permission to homeschool him. In order to get that permission, Hope and Lyall would have to explain why Remus couldn't go to a regular school. And then there would be no chance of Remus learning magic. It was practically illegal to teach magic to a werewolf.

Other, more trivial thoughts also flew through Remus's head. Why hadn't either of his parents bothered to fix the peeling wall. A simple spell could have repaired it. Were they too busy worrying about Remus?

Remus had noticed a stain of his robes. Remus didn't want to talk to either of his parents after hearing their conversation. He was worried that if he did he would become emotional, exactly what he didn't need for Dumbledore's visit, or for his parents comfort. But if Remus didn't talk to his parents, who would magically remove the stain? It was a stupid concern-a stain wasn't a huge problem, but this upset Remus most of all. Over his time as a werewolf, Remus had become pretty good at ignoring situations out of his control. What else could he do? But this stain was something he had one hundred percent control over if he could just get up the nerve to talk to his parents. He prepared to walk over to Hope, but he couldn't. He was physically and mentally unable to move. Unable to speak.

Remus hyperventilated, the stain becoming bigger and bigger in his mind. Dumbledore would think he was so careless. So stupid. Black spots swam in front of Remus's face and the world spun.

Suddenly, Remus's world stopped spinning and the black spots faded. All Remus could see was a flash of blue light. Shocked, Remus fell forward, tumbling down the stairs. His head connected with the sharp edge of the wood on the stairs and throbbed angrily. Remus's eyes filled with tears of pain, but he ignored them. Where could that light have come from? Was he going crazy? Would that be the next burden Remus would have to deal with?

Remus's heartbeat accelerated and he tasted bile in the back of his throat. He looked down in the direction of his shaking hands and realized the stain was gone. Remus began to laugh.

Remus did not laugh with joy. He laughed with shock. He had just done magic. He laughed with anger. Fat lot of good magic would go him. He could never go to a magic school. He laughed with sadness. He had aptitude for magic. If he hadn't been bitten, he could have gone to Hogwarts. Finally, he laughed with fear. Had he really just done that? What else could he do? Would he be able to do magic as a werewolf? What would that mean for his parents?

Thinking about his parents and how he might hurt them led Remus to a whole new train of thought. Remus knew that if his parents realized he could do magic they would be incredibly guilty. Hope and Lyall did everything in their power to make sure Remus didn't miss out on anything because he was a werewolf. But Hogwarts was something they couldn't compensate for. Remus had always secretly hoped he would be a squib. That was he would never feel like he was missing anything. That way his parents would never think that they were unable to give something as important as an education to their only son. But Remus had undeniably just performed magic.

Remus didn't want to hurt his parents, and if that involved distancing himself from them and lying to them, then so be it. So when Remus's parents rushed into the room, having heard Remus fall, Remus brushed them off. Neither Hope nor Lyall bothered to investigate the issue further. Both had the sinking suspicion that Remus had heard their conversation. Neither wanted to bring up what Remus had or hadn't heard. So, they just stood there awkwardly, staring at the heap on the ground that was their son.

Remus was still shaking too much to stand up, so he continued to sit slumped down on the ground. He glared defiantly into space, refusing to look at his parents. Remus sat on the floor, and Hope and Lyall stood beside him uncomfortably for an immeasurable amount of time. Finally, Hope's soft voice broke the silence.

"You haven't eaten anything." She said to Remus. "That's probably why you fell."

Remus remembered his promise to himself not to hurt his parents, but he couldn't resist. "No." He said in an apathetic voice. "I have eaten. Apparently I have quite a taste for squirrels."

Lupin had been a werewolf for six years now, so Hope and Lyall should have been accustomed to the affects of his transformations. However, there are a few things, like a son eating raw animals a parent can never be used to. Hope didn't know how to respond, and she looked at the floor sadly.

From over Hope's head, Lyall sent a glare in Remus's direction. Lyall realized Remus was trying to provoke Hope, and was disappointed that he would be so cruel. Remus's cheeks reddened, though he didn't look away. "It's true." His eyes said. "I really did eat that squirrel." Lyall sighed inaudibly.

"Well," Hope whimpered. "It you're not hungry I guess you can do whatever you want until Dumbledore arrives. Just don't get dirty."

Hope didn't need to say anything to Remus about staying clean. For one thing, Remus had no interest in repeating the stain fiasco. In addition to that, the animals in the forest surrounding Remus's house seemed to sense something that other wizards didn't. That Remus wasn't quite right. That he should be feared. Maybe they recognized Remus's scent from he rampaged around the forest every full moon. But really, Remus had killed only a few animals in all of his years transforming. The animals were not even slightly appealing to him. Sometimes, when there were no humans and Remus was feeling incredibly vicious he might try to kill or eat one of them. But very rarely. So the animals had few reasons to fear him.

The reason Remus didn't like seeing the animals was because perhaps they sensed something in Remus. Something evil. Remus hated the feeling of having someone else fear him, whether it was an animal or his own mother. Remain hated knowing someone else saw through his facade of humanness. His parents always said he was a human, but he knew differently. He was an monster. A disgusting filthy monster. And even simple, unintelligent animals knew it.

So no, Hope didn't have to worry about Remus getting dirty. Still weak in the knees from his magic stain removal episode, Remus limped up the stairs to his room. Remus picked up an old hardcover book, _Hogwarts:_ _a_ _History_ , which he had stolen from his father's study and got lost between the pages. Remus forgot about his parents' conversation, his mother's fear, his magic and Dumbledore's upcoming visit as he read. He might never go to Hogwarts, but it was still fascinating to learn about the school. He was so immersed in the story he almost didn't hear when Hope called for him hours later. Dumbledore had arrived.

 **Author's Note: Thank you so much Hail Storm Wizard for favoriting my story. All of you out there. Please review. What do you like? What don't you like? Let me know.**

 **Thanks :0)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I wish I could tell you differently, but I still don't own Harry Potter.**

Remus shut his book with a sharp bang and took a deep breath. Everything was going to be okay. He would be polite and calm for the duration of Dumbledore's visit. He would not embarrass his parents, and soon it would be over. Slowly, Remus stepped down the stairs, making sure not to fall again. From the last step, Remus could see Dumbledore sitting on Lyall's old, overstuffed recliner. Dumbledore, who looked regal with his navy robes and elegant grey hair, seemed out of place on the ratty, old chair. Remus held back a hysterical laugh.

Remus stood on the last step for quite some time, scared to walk towards Dumbledore. Hope and Lyall were silent, not knowing what to say. Suddenly a deep voice cut through the silence. "You must be Remus." it said. "I've heard all about you."

Remus stared at Dumbledore agape. Who could have possibly told Dumbledore about him? Was it a friend or an enemy? Were they good things or bad things?

Seeming to have read Remus's mind Dumbledore continued "No, no, only good things. I hear you like to read. Especially about Hogwarts."

"Y-yes." Remus stuttered. "It's a very interesting school."

"I am aware of that." laughed Dumbledore. "So interesting I learn new things about it every day. Yesterday I discovered a whole new floor I was pretty sure hadn't existed the day before."

Remus's heart filled with an extreme feeling of longing. Hogwarts seemed like such an magical, incredible place.

"So," said Dumbledore quietly. "You're currently eleven correct?"

Remus didn't know where this conversation was going. He was too distracted to say anything, so he just nodded.

"You know, most wizarding academies accept pupils before their twelfth year of age. Have you put any thought into where you're going?"

"No." responded Remus. He knew his one word answers had to be annoying, but he couldn't imagine saying anything else.

Lyall and Hope glanced at each other. Was it possible Dumbledore didn't know their son was a werewolf? What would that mean for Remus?

Dumbledore looked Remus in the eye. He didn't seem bothered by Remus's short answers. "I'm sorry to hear that. You know Hogwarts would always be interested in admitting such a bright young wizard as yourself."

Remus's heart sank. Dumbledore didn't know he was a werewolf. He would have to explain why he couldn't go to Hogwarts and watch the kind look in Dumbledore's eyes turn to disgust. Remus opened his mouth, but it was Lyall who spoke.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible." said Lyall quietly. "You see, Remus is a werewolf."

Remus expected Dumbledore to turn away and leave after hearing that, but he didn't.

"Of course special precautions can be taken during Remus's transformations, so I don't see how that's going to affect Remus's ability to attend Hogwarts. I would hate to let such a little thing like lycanthropy ruin Remus's whole magical career."

At first, Remus didn't comprehend what Dumbledore was saying. He must have misheard. No headmaster would let a werewolf into their school. But Dumbledore was smiling at Remus and nodding, so eventually, Remus realized he really had heard Dumbledore. Remus's heart rose, but promptly dropped. There were so many things that could go wrong. What exactly were the 'special' precautions Dumbledore planned to take during his transformations? Would they be enough? And what if another student found out what Remus was? What would they do? Remus began to feel sick. All his life he had wanted to go to Hogwarts, but now that it was actually happening, he wasn't so sure. He thought about refusing Dumbledore's offer. But, when he looked at his parents faces, they were so happy and full of hope. If Remus left, he would never hurt his parents again. They could be happy, knowing their son was going to school. So Remus smiled at Dumbledore and asked one final question. "Are you sure?"

Dumbledore nodded, and with a flourish, produced two letters. Remus's acceptance letter, and a list of his school supplies. He closed his eyes, preparing to disapparate. Before Dumbledore left, Remus managed to say one final thing to him. "Thank you _professor_."

For the next month, everything went by in a flurry. Hope and Lyall entertained Remus with stories from their days at Hogwarts. Stories about friendship, magic and love.

Remus told Hope about the stain fiasco and how he had magically removed the stain. Hope was ecstatic, and in turn told Lyall. To celebrate Remus's magic, they bought him an owl, who Remus named Nuntius.

Hope, Lyall and Remus used Floo Network to get to Diagon Alley, where they bought everything Remus needed for school. Hope and Lyall were not wealthy, but they managed to buy all of Remus's school supplies first hand. They wanted everything to be perfect for their son. Though Remus was still nervous for Hogwarts, he enjoyed all the positive attention he was getting, and how happy his parents were.

Though Hope and Lyall were happy most of the time, they still had to have one somber conversation with Remus about how to behave at Hogwarts. Hope and Lyall loved their son despite the fact that he was a werewolf, but not everyone would. Remus had to hide his true nature while at Hogwarts. The whole conversation was a damper to the happy mood, and presented a whole new list of worries. What would happen if someone found out about Remus? Would he have to leave Hogwarts?

Remus, Hope and Lyall managed to suppress these worries up until a week before Remus left. But for that week, clouds of stress hung heavy in the air, and everyone was short with each other, wondering what would happen.

The night before Remus left, he couldn't sleep. He felt sick, and he couldn't stop worrying. Remus was also filled with a growing sense of dread. Did he really want to go to a school where he would always be an outsider, where he would never be able to truly be himself? Did he really want to constantly hide who he was? He didn't think so. So did he want to go to Hogwarts? Maybe not. But would he? Yes.

Remus needed to do this for his parents. He was a burden that could easily be lifted, if he could just do the right thing. If he could just go to Hogwarts. Besides, he already had all of his expensive supplies and books. He couldn't just back out now. Remus tried to think rationally. He might be miserable and lonely, but he would still see his parents over holidays. Christmas was about four months into the school year, and Easter three or four months after that. So the longest he would really go without seeing his parents would be four months. Once Remus had broken the year into chunks like that, it seemed much more manageable. Remus could survive four months… Right?

Remus tried to focus on the soft clicking sounds Nuntius was making hoping it would help him fall asleep. As Remus finally began to drift off into a light sleep, a knock at the door awakened him.

Lyall walked into Remus's room and sat down on his bed. He put a warm hand on Remus's back. "I'm going to miss you." Lyall said.

Remus knew he was probably lying, but it was kind of him to say so. "I'll miss you too." he murmured.

"I love you. I don't say that enough." said Lyall, speaking again. His voice broke and the world 'love.'

"I know." Remus really did know. He loved his father too.

Lyall laughed sadly. "I'm sorry you got dealt such a shitty life. If I could do anything to change it, I would."

Remus winced. Lyall never swore. "I don't have a bad life. I have two great parents, and I'm going to Hogwarts tomorrow."

Lyall didn't believe Remus, but he didn't push the issue. "I just wanted to you to know I love you. So does your mother." Remus couldn't see his father's face in the dark, but he could feel a hot tear land on his arm. Lyall left the room, crying softly, and Remus rolled over and continued to attempt to fall asleep. At some point over the night, Remus began to drift off, and he stayed asleep until the sun was far in the sky and it was time for him to leave. He really was going to Hogwarts.

Remus got dressed in muggle clothes-which were tight and uncomfortable. He brushed his hair compulsively, not wanting it to be messy on his first day of school. He was too nervous to eat, despite his parents urging, so he sat in his room waiting to leave. Remus looked around his room, the place he had called home for the past eleven years. He tried to memorize every inch of it, not wanting to forget it when he was gone. He had packed all of his favorite books, but there was no way he would be able to take all of them. He flipped through the ones he had to leave behind for a final time.

When Remus was done looking through his room, he checked his school supplies, wanting to make sure he had everything. He had books for all his first year subjects: Transfiguration (Remus was pretty sure he had enough transfiguration to last a lifetime), Defense Against the Dark Arts, Potions, History of Magic (this subject sounded especially interesting), Herbology and Charms. Some of his books were fascinating (A Child's Book of Magical Plants), and others were dry (Understanding 18th Century Magical Trade). Either way, Remus had all his books packed. Remus also had his wand (10¼ inch cypress and unicorn hair), and his ingredients for potions. Nuntius's cage sat on top of his trunk, and Nuntius was staring at Remus calmly. It appeared Remus had everything, but that didn't stop him from worrying.

Finally, it came time to leave. Hope and Lyall had ordered a muggle taxi, which would take the three of them out to Platform 9 ¾. The taxi pulled up in front of the house, and a disgruntled driver walked out. Apparently he didn't like driving all the way out to Remus's house, which was far from civilization and good streets.

Hope loaded Remus's luggage into the trunk of the car, and much to the taxi driver's chagrin, the owl sat with Remus in the back seat. Remus was off towards the train. There was no turning back now. He was going to Hogwarts.

 **Author's Note: I know I packed a lot into this chapter. I just want to introduce James, Sirius and (Ugh) Peter as soon as possible. If you tell me in the reviews, I might make a one-shot about Remus's visit to Diagon Alley. Thanks to everyone who's read my story! Please review, it would make my day. Just one or two words would be great. Again, give me some advice about what you do and don't like. How else will my story become better?**


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